Not Amused
by cuddly carrots
Summary: Title subject to change, as is rating. With a failing marriage and two children off to Hogwarts, what will spice up Harry's life? A very unhappy baby, of course. But who is baby and what was that about his father?
1. Chapter 1

Nope, I do not own Harry Potter—if I did, then well…that'd be really cool, but alas, I do not. So, I have no idea where I'm going with this, it was more of an impulse…so…yeah…I admit, I have a bad track record regarding finishing fics, but maybe if I get enough support I won't get discouraged like I did on the other fic (The Psycho and the Psych). That one, I am embarrassed to say, I have no idea if it will ever be finished but oh well. Let me know what you think (cough *please review* cough). So…right now, you're gonna see a lot of Ginny and Harry, but not so much Sev until the end. Throw me some ideas if you want. :D Please and thank you!

Harry held Ginny as they both waved their boys goodbye…sort of. James, now at the stage where anything even remotely involving his parents was humiliating and utterly "uncool," had dashed off as quickly as he could, ducking under their arms and scurrying up the steps and onto the train. Al had taken a little bit more cajoling, but in the end, after a few more tears, he boarded the train, and sat in a compartment in the back so he could see his parents waving back at him. Harry and Ginny would have been a bit more worried had another little boy not caught Al's attention shortly after the train started. However, despite the fact that neither of their boys could see them, they continued waving until the last hints of steam had dissipated into the air, evaporating and gone.

"Well, are we just going to stand here, or are we going home?" Lily pouted and Harry chuckled, pulling his self together and wiping away the stray tears underneath his eyes.

"Yes, Lily. I guess we'd better go home." Lily beamed and Ginny had pulled herself together too, so gripping his daughter tightly, he apparated them both home, meeting Ginny at the front door. Lily leapt from her father's arms—high into the air and towards the brick steps—and Harry nearly had a heart attack until he saw that Lily simply fluttered to the ground with grace Harry didn't even manage on a broom in his Quidditch days.

"Godric, Lily! Be more careful! I thought you had her, Harry!" Ginny snapped, grabbing her arm (but not too roughly). Harry told himself that it was just the emotions from the station, that it had nothing at all to do with him.

"I thought I had her! She just jumped! It wasn't my fault!" Harry defended himself, regretting saying anything the moment he opened his mouth. He had really hoped that the sentimentality from the station would…well…he didn't know, but he had hoped that maybe things would be easier.

It was becoming increasingly apparent that he was wrong.

"Well, you should have held her better, or tried to stop her, not just stand there stupid and watch our daughter bust her head open!"

Dead wrong.

"Or maybe _you_ could have caught her! Or stopped her, or something since _I'm_ too incompetent to handle anything!"

"Don't give me any of your 'I can't do anything right' crap, I'm tire—" Suddenly Ginny stopped in the middle of what she was saying and an odd look crossed her face.

"What—" Harry tried to say something, but Ginny shushed him and looked as if she were straining to hear something.

"Do you hear that?" Ginny asked.

Harry didn't hear anything. "Hear what?"

"I don't know, but it almost sounds like…crying?"

"Like someone's in pain?" Harry went on alert and looked around, pulling his wand out.

"No, not like that…more like…a baby?" Ginny looked unsure.

"I hear it too!" Lily cried excitedly, happy that her parents had stopped fighting.

"You do, do you?" Harry smiled amusedly. "Ginny, grab Lily and stand back, and be prepared just in case. I'm going in." Harry said; face stern and going into Auror mode.

"Be careful." Ginny said, worried, but she did as he told her to. They had learned from Tonks and Remus that while bravery is important, a child having a parent to care for them properly was even more so—and while Ginny loved Harry (most days), they both knew that he wouldn't have a _clue_ as to what to do should Ginny die. Ginny shuddered at the thought. The man could barely dress himself and match his own socks!

Harry carefully tested the door out, casting a few spells to make sure it wasn't cursed and opened it, slowly, creaking and painstakingly slowly—inch by inch—until it was finally opened all the way. By now, Harry could _definitely_ hear a crying noise, and just like Ginny said, it was a baby. A very _un_happy baby. But why? Lily had been their last—unless if Ginny had a very big secret…but no, that couldn't be…there'd be no way for her to hide something like that from him! Right? At least if she were to carry it all the way to term…but that still left too many unanswered questions.

"Hullo?" Harry called out, trying to figure out where the noise was coming from, flicking on the light switch (some things were just easier with muggle technology than magic; lighting being one of them).

"Who's here?" Harry tried again, unsure of what to make of the situation, so he ventured further into the house, looking everywhere until he found the noise to be loudest just outside of Al's room. Harry listened at the door—knocked briskly—but there was no answer.

"Whoever you are, I'm coming in! You'd better have a solid explanation for whatever it is you're doing in here!" Harry said firmly; angry and curious at the same time. Who on earth thought they had the right to break into someone's house and play around in _his son's_ room? Only one way to find out.

Harry swung open the door and gaped at the sight before him.

"What the!"

HIHIHIHIH

"And you're _certain_ there wasn't a note or anything?" Ginny asked for the _millionth_ time.

"Yes, Gin! I'm as sure as I was the other twelve times you asked!" Harry snapped.

"Well, there's no need to get snappy." Ginny spat and turned away from him.

Harry rolled his eyes and gave up. It wasn't worth the argument.

"Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Potter?" A mediwitch came out to the waiting room and called them.

"Here!" Harry and Ginny said at the same time, gathering their stuff (well, _Ginny's_ stuff) and preparing to get up.

The witch nodded. "Come with me. It seems that there's some sort of…issue with the test results." Harry frowned. _Now_ what? Couldn't he have a normal life _now_? He gave up being an auror! Why couldn't anything ever be easy?

They walked the long way from the waiting room to the prenatal/pediatrics wing (the Arthur Jacobi Wing) and were placed in a white room. A patient room.

"May I ask—" Harry tried to ask, but was cut off.

"The Healer will be here in a moment with some explanations. I can't say anything. St. Mungo's policy." The mediwitch smiled sadly and walked away, leaving Ginny and Harry feeling very awkward.

Before too long, there was a knock on the door and a very friendly looking man walked in, a few vials precariously placed in his arms. "Hello! I'm Healer Punnett and I just need a few samples of your blood really quick, Mr. Potter, so that we can clear something up, if you don't mind." The man smiled, but Harry panicked. What was going on?

"May I ask why?" Ginny asked, looking suspicious and glaring at Harry. What was her problem?

"Just something odd showed up and we need to make sure that the test was accurate. Nothing to worry about. Stuff like this—false alarms—happen all the time." The man smiled. Ginny seemed to glower even more. Harry wasn't sure what Ginny's problem was—it wasn't like _she_ was the one whose blood was being drawn!

"Gin, it's okay. It isn't a big deal." Harry smiled falsely, hoping to avoid a big stink.

"Yeah, that's a good lad. So, just put your arm here and I promise it won't take any longer than a second." The man gestured to the table and Harry obliged, wincing briefly as the needle entered his arm and exited seemingly at the same time. At least the man was honest—Harry wasn't even sure if it took even _one_ second at all.

"Thank you! And I'll be back shortly!" The man waved and left the room.

Harry felt the weight of Ginny's glare bearing a hole in his shoulder.

"So who is it?" Ginny snarled. Harry jumped and swirled around to face her.

"What?" Harry asked, completely oblivious to whatever Ginny was thinking.

"I asked you 'Who it it?' Don't play dumb with me!" Ginny was _beyond_ furious. The only time he had seen her _this_ angry was when he almost splinched Al and James in an attempt to apparate with them both at the same time—and that had been deserved! Now though, Harry couldn't think of what could possibly have brought this rage.

"Who is what? I have no clue what you're talking about." Harry questioned calmly, pleading to anyone who'd listen that they wouldn't get into a screaming match at St. Mungo's.

"STOP IT! What do you think's going on, you idiot? A strange baby _magically_ shows up in our home with absolutely no bloody warning, and now they're running _paternity_ tests on you! I wasn't born _YESTERDAY_!" Ginny screamed. Harry decided he was an atheist in that moment.

Then, the meaning of her words sank in.

"YOU THINK I'D DO _WHAT_!" Harry yelled and stood up, glaring at Ginny. "You think I'd CHEAT on you after how effing HARD I've TRIED to cooperate with you! You think I'd do that to you! TO OUR KIDS!" Harry gestured in the air with his hands wildly. "I don't understand, Ginny! I thought you _knew_ me! I thought—"

"I'm pregnant!" Ginny burst out suddenly and covered her mouth with her hand, eyes wide in horror.

Silence. Very awkward silence.

Harry looked at her for a moment before the words sank in, and his face went from red with anger to bright with excitement. "You are! Ginny, this is brilliant!" And then, Harry took in her guilty face and suddenly, things began clicking in ways he wished they wouldn't. "Why…Godric…no…" Harry's face fell and the burst of joy he previously felt vanished. Things made sense now. The "practices," the "meetings" that stretched on for _days_…

They were quiet for a long time, tears streaming down Ginny's face and Harry was numb. Numb. Shocked. Silent.

Blank.

"Who." Harry finally broke the silence, but was too catatonic to manage an actual question, so it came out as a statement.

"I…I'm sorry Harry!" Ginny hiccupped.

"Tell me Ginny. Who is it?" Harry stared at the floor, unable to look at her, still unable to believe it was real. "Who is it that you felt was worth abandoning me, destroying our lives, _my_ life, our _children's_ lives?"

His wife cheated on him.

"Who is it that you betrayed me for?" Harry snarled, eyes cold as they looked hard into Ginny's.

"I…I don't know how it happened, Harry! I mean, we were so careful and—"

"Because that makes me feel _so_ much better! Now tell me who you screwed me over for!" Harry's eyes flashed and glared at Ginny.

Ginny bit her lip for a moment before releasing it to mumble something.

"I can't hear you. Speak up." Harry said cruelly.

"I SAID SEAMUS FINNEGAN!" Ginny yelled and the door suddenly opened.

"Well, the results are—excuse me!" The Healer cried as Ginny pushed past him and ran out. "Oh, dear me. Did I come at the wrong moment?"

Harry slumped forward in his chair and placed his face in his hands, staring at the floor.

"No, you're fine." Harry looked up. "Can you tell me the results?"

"Oh yes! Well, actually, I think it best if you read them for yourself. I just don't think I could explain it properly and well…this is a delicate situation…" The man handed Harry the paperwork. Harry snorted. 'Delicate situation' didn't cover the _half_ of it.

Harry looked at the papers he had been handed and his jaw dropped to the floor.

"What? This can't be right!" Harry said and started turning the paper around, trying to find the answer to the puzzle he wasn't getting, because surely the answer his mind came up with was wrong.

"Unfortunately…or fortunately, depending on how you see it, that child is none other than Severus Snape, and somehow, through very complicated circumstances I'm sure, your father."

"No! You're wrong! My father was James Potter! I was named after him, and I named my _son_ after him! He _has_ to be my father!" Harry wasn't sure if he could take two dropped bombs in one day.

"And that is why we needed your blood samples, to run them against the baby's and well…bizarre and unprecedented as it is, somehow that child is your father."

"But Snape was dead?" Harry asked, unsure of what was going on.

"Not as dead as we thought, apparently. I'm sorry, Mr. Potter, but we don't have the abilities nor the fundings to solve this for you. I think you'll want an investigator of some sort. Now, there's some paper work for you to fill out here and also at the Ministry, since I'm assuming you'll want to care for him…"

When Harry got home, he was _beyond_ exhausted. When he opened the door, using magic because he was holding a very fussy Snape in his arms the day's events all came rushing back.

Half the house was gone. Apparently, Ginny had come by and taken all of her stuff.

Harry was glad. He didn't feel like seeing her again today—or, quite frankly ever—so soon after signing all the craploads of paperwork needed to become "Guardian" over his…fa…Snape. He had yet to concede to his paternal relations yet, and he wasn't sure if he ever would.

It didn't help that baby Snape kept drooling and spewing something Harry didn't want to think about all over his shoulder. Suddenly, baby Snape started bawling and shaking his fists (his favorite spots were Harry's nose, chin, and the side of his head); both actions were of course accompanied by a foul odor.

"Eurrgh! I guess you need a changing, eh?" Harry asked the baby, who merely punched Harry in the mouth. "Still an arse." Harry muttered and took Snape to the bathroom, transfigured the vanity into a changing table, and grabbed one of the nappies he picked up in Diagon Alley. Thankfully, these were weekly nappies and self-cleaned/freshened themselves up until the infant grew out of them. For some reason, freshening spells, cleaning, and growth spells didn't mix together.

Harry unfolded the nappy—it was revolting, and Harry swore that none of _his_ children's nappies ever smelled quite so atrocious—and vanished it to wherever those poor mice in McGonagall's class went. _I wonder why vanishing a human isn't considered and Unforgivable_…Harry thought to himself as he liberally splattered baby powder on baby Snape's backside and front. _I'll have to ask Hermione someday_. Harry folded the nappy up and patted it down, lifting Snape up and turning him around to make sure everything was nice and sealed.

"Aaaall better!" Harry smiled and gently tickled the baby's armpits for a bit, amused by the glares and reluctant giggling.

Harry stared. "I guess I'm going to have to call you something other than 'Snape' or 'baby.' It just doesn't feel right…but it still feels disrespectful to use your actual name, plus, that's Al's middle name…so that'd be confusing…how about I call you Sev? Or…said in the paperwork your middle name is Tobias—I know you and your father didn't get along, but what if I called you Toby?" Harry asked the baby who looked at Harry as if he were the biggest moron he'd ever met in all 10 his months of life. "Oh, forgive me. I forgot I was talking to the world's biggest prat. Heh," Harry had a world thought, "Soon, you won't be the greasy bat of the dungeons—instead, you'll be the poopy brat of the carpets!" Harry laughed.

Baby Snape was not amused.

"Fine. So, here are your choices: Toby or Sev. Left hand Toby, right is Sev. Pick one." Harry said and held out his hands, feeling stupid when the baby simply stared at him, eyes reading, "_You idiot."_ But finally, after a moment, baby Snape leaned over towards the right hand and projectile vomited all over it.

"I really hope that means Sev, because after that, I don't care if you hate it. You, Mr." Harry shook his finger at Sev "are stuck with it!" Harry growled and began washing up, Sev giggling and clapping his hands all the while.

_Git_.

Anyways, I have no beta, so feel free to correct my grammar if you want. Be picky. That is, if anyone cares to...?


	2. Chapter 2

Sooo…I got some promising reviews on the "Pilot" chapter, so I'm gonna see how far this one goes. Once again, I don't own Harry Potter…insert pouty face here…but here is the next chapter of "Not Amused." Enjoy! (cough *please review* cough) :D

Of course, being Harry Potter, things never went his way. It also meant that being in the spotlight had a tendency to make a horrible situation worse than imaginable; case in point:

"WHAT!" Harry cried as he looked at the heading on the _Prophet_.

_Chosen One, or Lewd One?_ by Rita Skeeter. And of course, there was a picture of him and Ginny in St. Mungo's—the expression on her face told it all—but better yet was the picture of her running away crying as the Healer (who just so happened to be a well-known specialist in paternity detection magic…figures…) nearly fell over her while holding the door open. The poor man had tried to defend him, "No comment" was all Skeeter had as a quote from him, but that of course made things even worse.

"Dang it!" Harry slammed the paper on the table as a horde of owls, all with bright red envelopes tied to their legs, began pecking at his window. "Oh no! If you even _think_ I'm letting you in here, then you've got a _WHOLE_ other think coming!" Harry yelled and snatched the curtains closed, warding his windows against the entourage of angry birds.

"Daddy!" Lily cried and ran up to hug Harry, as was their usual routine. "Good morning! Where's mummy?" Lily looked around the kitchen.

_Crap_. "Umm, mummy's not here right now, kiddo." Lily's face fell. "But I made waffles?" Harry said, making a goofy face that Lily laughed at.

"Strawberry or blueberry?"

"Both, of course! What _else_ would I make?" Harry mock asked.

"Just checking!" Lily said and happily sat down to eat her waffles, as Harry heard crying from the upstairs.

"Okay, Lils, I have to go upstairs for a moment and check on someone. Oh, and why don't you go and eat in the TV room for me? There's been a bit of a mix up and I need you to stay away from the windows as much as possible. Thanks!" Harry said and kissed the top of Lily's forehead, not listening to what she said in his urgency to take care of Sev and make sure the little fiend wasn't eating paint flecks just to spite Harry.

"HARRY _JAMES_ POTTER!" Harry heard Mrs. Weasley scream from the fireplace. Harry slapped his forehead and dragged his hand down his face. Of _all_ times for his mother-in-law to give him a talking to why _now_? Harry went to the fireplace and tried not to be too afraid of the only maternal figure he had ever known.

"Mrs. Weasley, I can explain, but first I have to—" But Harry was cut off before he could say anything more.

"I _don't believe it_! Is that a _baby_ I hear?" Mrs. Weasley looked incredulous.

"I know, it looks bad, but I promise, I can explain—"

"Then explain _now_!" Mrs. Weasley demanded.

"I can't—the baby, he just woke up and I have to—"

"You have to what? Break my daughter's heart further? Create a _new_ scandal! Betray _MY_ trust!"

"MRS. WEASLEY! I DIDN'T CHEAT ON GINNY!" Harry roared and felt guilty at the incredulous look on his adopted mom's face. It wasn't _her_ fault that everything decided to go wrong. "Look, I'm sorry, just step on through, let me take care of the baby and I'll explain everything immediately after. I promise." Harry begged.

The silence seemed unbearable.

"Okay." Mrs. Weasley finally acquiesced and stepped through the floo, still glaring at Harry.

"Stay in here. It's best if the owls think that everyone in here has gone. They have a tendency not to stick around too long knowing they've got a time bomb strapped to their legs." Harry gave a weak smile—rubbing his forehead subconsciously with the memory of past hate mail—and went up the stairs to the Al's room where Sev was causing a ruckus.

"There, there. I'm here." Sev made an ugly face as Harry tried to pick him up. "Careful, your face is going to get stuck like that; I know from experience." Harry warned, trying to disentangle the boy's hands from Harry's hair.

It was quite a process.

"Once a git, always a git." Harry muttered as Sev puked all over Harry's back. "I bet you were saving that just for me, weren't you?" Sev clapped and giggled.

Harry put some fresh clothes on the baby, cleaned off his own back and searched for the papers the Healer gave him. "There!" Harry cried and grabbed them from the desk. "Come on now, up you get." Harry hoisted the baby—who was beginning to slide out of Harry's grip—up and even though it was awkward, he managed to get everyone downstairs safe and sound (well, Sev, the malicious little brat, had yanked out some more hairs and socked Harry in the nose a few times, but beyond that everything was fine).

"Here. Read this." Harry handed the papers to Mrs. Weasley, who looked at him pensively, occasionally glancing at the baby—who had a handful of shiny black hairs poking out of his head (though he was sure that they were from pulling them out of Harry's own head, not from any of the follicles in Sn…Sev's head). Harry fought the desire to roll his eyes and instead tried bouncing the fussy baby who apparently had made it his life's ambition to climb on top of Harry's shoulder (to pull out more hairs, or course) and fall to his death.

"I promise you, things will make more…well, scratch that. Things will make a lot _less_ sense when you read that, but it'll throw me a more favorable light." Mrs. Weasley frowned and sniffed haughtily.

"Fine." She said sniffily and opened up the envelope. Harry waited anxiously, hoping that she'd believe him. He may be frustrated with her, but she had been the closest thing he'd ever had to a mother. Harry felt the time pass by, slowly and sluggishly, mocking his anxiety as Mrs. Weasley read.

Suddenly, her eyes bulged. "What!" Mrs. Weasley looked up at Harry, then to Sev, and then to Harry again, re-reading the papers multiple times. Harry started getting hopeful and bounced Sev even harder.

"Yeah…Exactly." Harry said and tried to rub his hand through his hair again, only to receive a hard pinch from Sev. "OW! Will you bloody stop it!" Harry scolded the baby whose bottom lip began to tremble, eyes wide and bright in the perfect picture of innocence.

"Harry! That's no way to talk to a baby!" Mrs. Weasley reprimanded him and stood up to hold Sev; who—being the snotty little two-faced traitor he was—instantly became the sweetest little angel known to man when Mrs. Weasley was looking. "See? You have to be gentle and loving…"

"Says the woman who moments ago and wanted to kill me…" Harry muttered to himself, glaring at Sev who smirked while Mrs. Weasley cooed and caressed him, gently rocking back and forth. The demon even started sucking his thumb! Even _Harry_ was starting to fall for it!

Mrs. Weasley suddenly blushed as red as her hair. "Oh, Harry! I'm so sorry! I've gone and done it again, haven't I?" She said ashamedly, referring to fourth year when she gave Hermione the cold shoulder.

"It's alright." Harry sighed in relief. Well, that hurdle was over with.

"But Harry, why aren't any of Ginny's things here anymore?" Mrs. Weasley asked, gesturing one handedly to the barren house.

Or not.

"Yeah, 'bout that…" Harry said, scratching his head while Sev clapped and cheered at Harry's discomfort.

_Git_.

At the end of the day, and after every Weasley in Europe stampeded his floo—except, of course, the one he was married to—Harry was tired, but he knew he still needed to talk to his kids…

Kids…

Speaking of kids, where was Lily? Had Ginny taken her too? That would be a rotten thing to do, but Harry was certain that she would have at least written a note of some sort—plus, Harry remembered being greeted that very morning by Lily, just after the paper, so unless if Gin had snuck in…

"Lils! Come here! Where are you?" Harry called, but there was no answer. It was loads easier to get around the house now that Harry had his hands free—Mrs. Weasley let him borrow her pouch carrier thingee that she'd kept because of "Sentimental Value." He knew he looked like an utter ponce (the thing was purple with little pastel pink, blue, and green hippogriffs dancing, and yes, _actually_ dancing across the front) but the convenience made it worth it, Harry justified to himself as he bent down and looked under the table; sometimes she took naps under there. "Lils, where—" Harry heard what he thought was a sniffling noise coming from the stairs. Suddenly, he had a hunch where his daughter was, but took out his wand anyways and quietly whispered _"Point me"_ to it, laying it flat on his palm.

It twisted and fluttered for a bit, until it stopped dead center, pointing straight to the cupboard under the stairs. Ever since he had a heart-to-heart with his children about being kind to those who weren't popular, and telling the teacher if they thought someone was being bullied, his children had found his anecdote of living in the cupboard under the stairs at the Dursley's fascinating. After a while, Al and James had grown out of that phase, but Lily still found it comforting in times of stress.

"Should've known." Harry whispered to himself. He looked down at Sev, who was cooperating for once and being quiet—big black eyes staring up into his own green ones—and crept over to the cupboard where the sounds of sniffling and tears increased.

Harry felt horrible.

With all the excitement of his life's latest curveball (including but not limited to a bloody nose, two black eyes and what Harry suspected was a broken rib due to the rash actions of certain red headed men), he hadn't taken the time to talk to his daughter and explain where her mother was, who the new baby is and why everyone was bursting into their house, yelling things he never wanted his daughter to hear.

Harry sat down—a highly awkward thing to do with a baby strapped to his chest—outside the door and gently knocked to let her know he was outside. "Lils, I'm sorry I haven't been able to explain everything to you yet, but I'm here right now whenever you're ready." The sniffles stopped and Harry could almost hear the gears turning in her head.

"Y-you promise?" She asked timidly, hiccoughing a few times.

"Yes ma'am." He said and he heard her give a weak chuckle.

"Okay…" She replied and the door began to open. Her eyes—red and puffy as they were—took in the baby and it was obvious that she made a big effort to be as quiet as possible. Harry looked down and smiled at Sev.

Who knew even children of the devil looked so cute when they were fast asleep?

Harry looked back at Lily who looked nervous and patted the floor right next to him. "It's okay as long as we're quiet." He said softly. She nodded and sat down right next to him, leaning against him and wrapping her arms around his, resting her head on his shoulder.

"There's going to be some changes going on for us, Lils. Some good, some bad, most I don't even understand, but…I think we can manage, don't you?" Lily looked up at him with wide eyes and nodded. Harry rubbed the baby pouch. "This is the man your older brother was named after."

Her eyes scrunched up in concentration. "James?"

Harry chuckled. "Nope. This here is Sev. Severus Snape." Understanding showed on her face, which seconds later clouded over with confusion again.

"But I thought you said he got bit by that snake thing? That Naggynana or something like that?"

"Nagini, and I'm not sure how he got like this, but there's a lot of things I don't know right now. As for your mother…we've had a disagreement and I'm not sure when she's coming back." Lily nodded sadly. She had guessed as much since she had seen her mother take more than the usual amount whenever she went to her meetings. "Also, we're going to have to be very careful for the next few weeks, months maybe, because…well, you remember when James told someone that I gave him a black eye because he was mad that I wouldn't get him a new broomstick?" Lily nodded and shuddered. That had been a horrible time and James still felt bad about it. She remembered all the scary red envelopes that screamed and spat acid on her father. That day, when James had tried to apologize, her father simply laughed it off and said that it was fine because now no one could see his lightning bolt scar.

They still couldn't.

"Well, I'm not sure if things will get that bad, but things are going to get a little rough. We might have to go back to the rock house for a while again." Lily nodded wisely again. It hadn't been so bad—for her at least. She liked sitting at the edge, watching the waves crash against the rock.

"But just remember that I love you, and even if she isn't showing it very well right now, your mother does too."

That's that! I hope you liked it...I don't. I feel like it's too corn with a capital Y….oh well. I just couldn't think of a better way to explain it to the Weasleys without simply summarizing it up. I figured that there needed to be a scene. More on the Sev mystery will show up in the next chapter along with Harry's reactions—because right now, he's still in shock and hasn't had time to let everything sink in. Hopefully, he'll be a bit more realistic later on. Of course, more Sev being a jerk and…I'm thinking (if my muse permits) that there will be a few more players coming in to get their turn in the spotlight too. So, let me know what you think (cough *please review* cough) and when I have this posted, I'll probably have the next chapter already written. Still have noooo clue as to how long this is going to be or anything beyond next chapter, but we'll see! Thanks so much for reading and I hope I don't disappoint! Oh, and any possible ideas you may have, feel free to chime in, because…once again…I have nooo idea where I'm going with this…so...even if you think it's stupid, feel free to suggest it. Toodeloo! :D


	3. Chapter 3

Hello again! I'm back and here's the next chapter of _Not Amused_. Hope you enjoy! Tell me what you like and what you don't (cough *please review* cough)! Oh, and feel free to be picky about my grammar. Don't have a beta and I try not to do too much re-reading because then I end up ruining it…

After tucking Lily in, Harry gently laid Sev down in his crib. He watched the boy sleep—who apparently _did_ suck his thumb when asleep—and thought about everything that had changed since yesterday.

There was so much he didn't understand and so much he was sure he didn't _want_ to understand—Snape's sex life having been the butt of many jokes in Harry's years at school…this revelation made everything _much_ worse…he just didn't want to think about it.

At all.

Harry felt a tickle in his skin. The floo wards. Who would be trying to talk to him at this hour? Harry hurried down the stairs to see who it was. "Mr. Potter?" Harry heard a very strict and slightly wavering voice call.

"One sec, I was just upstairs with…well…it's a long story." Harry answered, trying to run down the stairs as fast as he could without tripping and falling head over tail. "In fact, go on and come through." Harry said, nearly stumbling over the loose step. _Crud. I really need to fix that…_ Harry thought to himself.

Harry heard the tell-tale sounds of Hogwarts's Headmistress exiting the fireplace as soon as he rounded the corner, entering the room to see her sitting in a comfy yet proper looking chair next to his recliner. "So, what's James gone and done this time? Would you like some tea?" Harry asked, gesturing to the kitchen.

"No, but thank you. Actually, I came because I saw the _Prophet_," She made a face at the word, "and figured you probably weren't taking owls at the moment."

Harry frowned. "You're right. After the fiasco three years ago…" Harry shuddered, "I have problems accepting letters even on good days." Harry rubbed again at the scar the Bubotuber pus left which concealed the remnant of Tom Riddle's madness (even though there was still an oddly lightning shaped ridge in the fist-sized clump, it was hardly noticeable; in fact, Harry wasn't sure if it was the curse scar or a coincidence). He was glad the thing was gone—if he's known a bit of Bubotuber pus was all he'd needed to get rid of it, he'd done something long ago; however, what if it had been someone else opening the letter?

That had been right about when his marriage with Ginny began to fall apart; she apparently thought the same thing.

"Well, I came here to tell you that you are the proud father of Slytherin's most unlikely member." McGonagall smirked.

"What!" Harry said, gob smacked, "_Really_. How interesting. Maybe now that House can get some of the glory it deserves to help scrape off Riddle's mark." _Or throw some Bubotuber pus on it if all else fails. Wonder if it would help with the Dark Mark on the ex-Death Eaters_? "Be sure to let him know how proud I am. How did James take it?" Harry asked, smiling, knowing full well what his reaction probably was.

"Very loudly." McGonagall answered, rubbing her temples.

They sat in silence for a bit. "I need to speak with them soon, and I'd like to talk to Poppy too, if that's possible?" Harry sighed, dreading the conversations he'd soon have to have.

"I'll send them over first thing." She said, face looking stern, but still curious. "So, Mr. Potter, I've seen the paper's lies long enough to know when they've caught onto something semi-truthful. Do you care to tell me anything?" McGonagall raised her eyebrow in a rather nice Snape imitation.

"Yes, actually. I think you should probably hear about this." Harry said. The less people who knew, the better, but McGonagall deserved to know about something as serious as an undead colleague. Right on cue, Sev began bawling from the upstairs. "I'll be right back." Harry said and quickly ran up the stairs, stumbling over the broken step again—he _really_ needed to fix it—and into Sev's room. He had done an extension charm on the house and created a new room for the baby, figuring that Sev might be living with them for a while. It was green and yellow—the two colors Sev seemed to make the least unpleasant face with, with a baby blue crib. There was a rocking chair, some toys (none stuffed after Sev yanked the eyes out of what used to be Lily's favorite teddy and tried to eat them; Harry was only allowing Sev the most durable toys for play since that particular incident).

"Well, I guess you are magic after all." Harry mumbled, noting that the teddy Harry had given Sev was now a glow in the dark snake. The same teddy with the aforementioned eyes missing that Harry had put back in Lily's room.

Which was then thrown at Harry's head along with the eyes.

"Why did you have to be such a brat?" Harry asked the boy in the crib as he gently lifted him up and carried him down to McGonagall. He handed the baby to her. "Ta daaa!" Harry announced.

McGonagall stared at him. "Mr. Potter, why is there an infant in my arms?" Sev had a look of utter concentration on his face for a brief moment which then turned into a smile. "Mr. Potter, why did you hand me an infant who needs a diaper change?" McGonagall amended, scrunching her face up in disgust. So much for maternal instincts. Sev cowered slightly and looked somewhat guilty.

"That isn't just any infant." Harry said, smiling in anticipation of McGonagall's reaction. "What you are holding in your arms is none other than Severus Snape."

McGonagall stared at him as if he just told her that she should run away and elope with Buckbeak.

"I beg your pardon?" McGonagall still looked incredulous as she looked from Harry to Sev back to Harry again.

"There's no need to beg, madame." Harry chirped. McGonagall glared.

"So, you need Poppy to check your mental facilities, correct?" McGonagall chirped back.

"Ha bloody ha. No, I need her help because some very strange things have occurred and Snape being a baby is the smaller one."

"The bigger one being?" McGonagall snipped, impatient.

"I'd rather not say. Just get Pomfrey here for me, will you?" Harry asked, taking Sev from her arms and burping him, not liking the look on his "angelic" face one bit.

"Fine. But, Mr. Potter, I _will_ get to the bottom of this." She looked every bit the woman who defied Snape the night so many things went wrong but in the end were made somewhat right as she swirled her robes and disappeared into the Floo.

Sev shivered and cried. "There, there. It's okay." Harry cooed and bounced Sev, who puked all over Harry's back. "See? Everything's fine. Puke on me all you want if it'll calm you down." Harry soothed and continued to bounce Sev.

Suddenly, the fireplace blazed green and a disgruntled looking Madame Pomfrey stumbled out. _Ha! Least I'm not the only one with issues on that thing_. "Mr. Potter, Minerva said something about you wanting to see me and Severus and…oh, bloody Godric! Who have you got there?" Pomfrey looked intrigued at the baby in Harry's arms.

"You know the spells. Figure it out for yourself, and then I have some questions for you." Harry said, getting really sick of explaining the story to everyone. It had come to the point where he had different versions of it—the six word version for people he didn't really care too much for (Percy and Penelope), the three sentence version (George, Bill, Charlie, etc.) the Molly version (excluding his and Ginny's separation) and of course, the full version. Now, it was someone else's turn to figure it out.

While Pomfrey went through the motions, Harry explained about finding the baby in his house, touched a bit on Ginny's reaction—none of the nitty gritty details though—and stopped when he heard Pomfrey's gasp.

"Well, Mr. Potter, I believe you've found yourself in another pickle now, haven't you?" Pomfrey commented and went on with the examination, frowning every now and then. "Well, I must say that the identification tests gave me no surprise."

Harry gawked at her. "You knew?"

"I've seen your parents at every stage of development from age eleven onwards. How could I _not_ know and still be considered a competent mediwitch?" Pomfrey rolled her eyes.

"You _knew_ and never told me? You never told _anyone_!" Harry asked, incredulous.

"Well, it really was none of my business and yet," Pomfrey halted Harry's protest, "I _did_ tell Albus. Whether or not you or Severus were told was not up to me. It was all I could do, being under the Oath of Medi-magic Integrity." Pomfrey sighed and continued examining the baby, conjuring up a piece of parchment and a quill to write a list of things she'd need on her next visit. "Though, if it _had_ been up to me, I would have told the both of you—it always killed me seeing you every year skinnier than any child had a right to be. I'm certain that if he knew the truth, he would have done the right thing; blood wards be damned!" Pomfrey's face flushed in anger, scribbling furiously at the paper.

"Oh, erm…" Was Harry's intelligent reply. He felt really awkward—talks of his childhood always did that to him. "Well, anyways, I was wondering if you could, er, help us out?" Harry asked, still blushing from Pomfrey's righteous anger on his behalf. "Like, help figure out what happened to him after the snake, what all he remembers—because I reckon he remembers _some_ things. Like, around McGonagall, he seemed frightened and ashamed, but in Mrs. Weasley's arms, he seemed quite content; like he knew she'd never harm a child."

"How does he react around you?" Pomfrey asked, a very uncharacteristic sneer on her face.

Harry groaned. "Like the world's biggest brat. He purposefully pukes on me every chance he gets, yanks my hair and punches me in the nose!" Pomfrey giggled.

"I think that he has vague recollections—more like feelings about people. Like, I'm certain that around your friend Mr. Weasley, he'd be even more condescending and around Mrs. Weasley nee' Granger, he'd be slightly more respectful, but rolling his eyes often. Around me, he seems proud. Typical. I practically had to _Imperious_ him for checkups. Prideful little snit." Pomfrey scolded playfully and lifted Sev up to bounce him a bit.

Sev pouted and blushed. "See? Embarrassed at the slightest sign of affection. Poor dear was probably as neglected as you." Pomfrey snuggled him. "Anyways, I wrote up a list of vaccinations and potions and stuff that I'll bring up tomorrow. I absolutely _refuse_ to allow anyone else to be his primary care Healer." Pomfrey handed him back to Harry and scratched his head gently, soothingly if Sev's relaxed shoulders were any indication. "Oh, and I'd like to see his room."

Harry looked at her puzzled.

"I just want to make sure that his second chance will be the way his first should've been." Pomfrey replied, looking as if she wouldn't move until she examined Sev's room and found it to be to her liking. Harry had a feeling that Pomfrey would be coming around a lot more often.

Harry sighed. "Alright, but be careful because Lily is still asleep." Harry whispered and led the way up the stairs to Sev's room. When they got there, Harry flicked on the light. "Voila. Sev's room."

Pomfrey's face screwed up in concentration as she took the entire place in, eyes zeroing in on everything, lighting up in amusement at the glowing snake and crinkling in satisfaction. "Great. I think this'll be great. Yellow and green were always his favorite colors, well, and black. Well, I shall see you tomorrow and I'll bring James and Albus with me too; don't worry, I'll soundproof the room so you can have your privacy while I attend to Severus. Or, rather, I believe you call him Sev?"

"Okay, thanks! That'd work out great!" _I hope_. Harry smiled and set Sev down in his crib and led Pomfrey down the stairs and towards the fireplace.

"Goodbye, and I'll see you in the morning, correct?" Pomfrey asked, clutching a handful of Floo Powder.

"Yes, of course! Good night, er…" Harry looked at a clock, "I mean, have a good day and I'm sorry for keeping you up so early, Madame Pomfrey." Harry smiled sheepishly and ran his hand through his hair nervously.

"It's fine. However, please call me Poppy; I'm sure that we'll be seeing each other much more from this point on." Poppy smiled, eyes twinkling in an eerily manner reminiscent of an old man who once loved (though probably _still_ loves) lemon drops.

"S'long as you call me Harry, Poppy." Harry smiled and waved as she swirled in the Floo and left Harry alone.

Sev began to cry loudly.

Well, maybe not _entirely_ alone.

I don't like this chapter….however, hopefully that'll be all the explanation crap out of the way as far as Severus goes. _Hopefully_ the convo between Harry and his sprog will be more interesting. There you go—a little bit of Sev's mystery is out in the open. Normally, I _hate_ it when people call him "Sev" so I've had to do a lot of cringing in the writing of this, but why on earth would anyone say "I have to change Severus's diapers," or "Oh dear, Severus vomited on my socks this time!" I mean…it just brings up weird and awkward pictures of Potions Masters in diapers and…yeah…I felt a separation of sorts was needed. So, tell me what you think. I can't believe I've actually written so far ahead on this one. Who knows? I might go and do something crazy like _finishing_ it or some odd rot. Now, if that isn't a new concept for me, then I don't know what is! :D Anywho, pretty, pretty please with sugar on top review—I get discouraged _very_ easily and I'd like to actually finish something someday…? Ta and toodeloo!HarH


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